Our Images of God

By: Rick Hernandez

What are the images of God we all have in our minds? What is our relationship with Him, and how are these two things related? How often do we update that image in light of our experience, the reality of our faith journey, and our relationship with Christ? For most of us, it is not often enough.
 
My relationship with God has not always been what it is now, and I have had to reach out and reconsider who I am and how I relate to God on many occasions. Going through some of my old journals, I found the following notes on my different, evolving views of God as I have grown from a child to the middle-aged (old) man I am today. As I re-read these, I realized that this journey of faith is a road of relationship and recognition. I hope that in sharing these, you will be encouraged to examine your own images of God.

My Images of God

My Grandma’s Friend: The Unreachable God.

As a really young child, I spent most of my time with my dear maternal Grandmother. I remember my Grandma saying that God was always around, present there and everywhere. Grandma would go about her daily business, always talking to our Mother Mary and the Lord Jesus. Yep, talking to them as people present in the room with us. I couldn’t really understand the concept then, but I knew they were there because my Grandma said so. I remember bringing my stories and pictures to Grandma so she could show them to Him since, in my child’s mind, “she could see Him,” therefore, she had access that I did not have.  Yes, my Grandma was my intercessor, not unlike Mother Mary is for all of us too. That early in my life, I did not think much of this. I just accepted that He was around. But even though I wanted to, I couldn’t see or feel Him near, so it was challenging for me to relate appropriately. I could SEE and HEAR my parents, siblings, and grandparents, so I chose instead to relate to them, and through them, to this God they knew.
 
Who was this invisible Master of Creation? What was “creation,” and why He created it? I had no clue, but I remember Grandma telling me it was because of His love for us that He created everything. “But we weren’t here,” I said. Grandma said He has always been here for “he lives outside of time.” Past, present, and future have no meaning to Him. This was strange. I asked, “How could this be?” And I remember her answer clearly, “We do not know how. For this, we must have faith”...
 
That is as early as I remember the word “faith” being present in my life. It was presented as a way to approach this invisible, all-powerful, omniscient creator that loves me now and loved me even before I was. My mind couldn’t reconcile that very well, so I just put God in the category of “things to be understood later” and moved on. He was, for me at the time, the unreachable God.

God, My Friend: Her Friend is my Friend too.

​Well, at the beginning, I could not understand God yet. He was there with me, and I remember growing a bit older and talking to Him, surprising myself that I believed He was there with me and sharing of my young life with Him. In many ways, it was the best of times. He was indeed my friend and companion. God, my friend! How wonderful to pray with my Grandma and Mom and how awesome it was when they allowed me to “lead” in prayer. This was a beautiful time, and I never felt alone.

God the Uncaring Friend: Do You even care?

​I grew a bit older yet again and suffered through some things children shouldn’t have to suffer. I felt angry and lost. Where were You, Lord, when I was suffering? Why wouldn’t You help me? I was still too young to understand suffering as redemptive or even to know what redemptive meant. I just felt alone and abandoned by my friend, the one I believed in but couldn’t see, the one I knew by this “faith” but was now doubting fully. Well, I chose to keep Him at arm’s length but couldn’t really let go of Him. To me, He felt so uncaring, but like it is often the case with some human friends, you argue with and get mad at each other, but they are still around your life, just not as close.

God the Observer: Do You think this is funny?

I was now in my teenage years and was involved in youth groups, sports teams, and such. I remember crying at retreats because I felt lonely amongst all the people. I discovered a snarky sense of humor as protection from hurt. I now saw God as this uninvolved Master and Creator, which gave me permission to trust only myself. Yes, I decided I was “created but not cared for.” I saw my life as just part of His entertainment. I became a “stoic,” living my life and accepting whatever came without emotion. I lived the best I could, hoping in my heart that it was at least entertaining to my bored observer.

The Absent God: Not because of You.

Stoicism took me through most of my teenage and young adult years. And Yes, I was a bit of a cynic but had a good heart. I learned to focus on others and provide help because, selfishly, it made me feel good to help others. This allowed me to ignore the pain, emptiness, and loneliness I had inside. After all, if I was put on this earth, I might as well do something worthwhile. But all through this, I couldn’t see Him. I felt He wasn’t even bothering with watching me anymore, so I concentrated on whatever was “not me.”
 
Later on, as I became a husband and father, I had more responsibilities, less time, and more stress, and I was more of the world than ever. I moved away from helping others and concentrated more than ever on myself. I felt that the world was a cynical and unworthy place and that my part in it was not even worth mentioning. I was just here, angry, doing my tasks without fulfillment, charity, or love.

The Bank Teller God: Take your number.

​In my mid-twenties, life hit me hard.  My marriage was struggling by this time, and we hit rock bottom. I remember my wife and I falling to our knees by our bed and praying for the first time in years. This was most definitively a selfish prayer, haggling with Him. “Please, let us be OK, and we will go to Church. Heal our family, and we will try to be your good people.” There was so much pain…
 
Well, God, in His great mercy, helped us save our marriage. Ignorant of how God’s mercy really works, I saw Him providing for us only when in real need; that became my new image of God. I figured that God helps when you really need it, but He is not interested in the minutiae of your life. I mean, He has billions of people with real problems to listen to; how could He be interested in my little problems or my uninteresting life? So we would go to Him only when in real need. God the Bank Teller.

I figured He also could, as I did before, keep Himself busy helping the ones in need. But I really thought you needed to be in real NEED for Him to bother with you. He was BUSY!

I remember having a few discussions with my dear wife over this. She would pray for something, and I would say, “Why would He bother with that? There are people starving in the world...” or something like that. I was so dismissive of the everyday things in life... And this image lasted for quite some time. We did our thing,  but we had promised to go to Church, so we went. We promised to be of His good people, so we started volunteering and doing good for those in need. Not religious, really, but somewhat aware of the debt.

The God of Mercy: My Lord cares.

But the Lord, in His great mercy, uses everything for our good, and I can see His hand guiding us back to His way. As my marriage and family strengthened, we started seeing His Divine Providence in everything.
 
We saw His help in the little things but also saw Him let us struggle in the big ones in such a way that when He did His part, there was no doubt He did it. Too often, a particular homily would strike a nerve, or a stranger would say something that pertained exactly to our struggle, or a check would come in for precisely the same amount necessary to cover an unexpected debt. All these “coincidences,” too many to count, denoted been taken care of, an invitation to see and acknowledge His hand acting on our lives.
 
We started homeschooling our children and sharing more with Catholic faith groups. The Lord worked on us actively, healing our wounds daily, just heaping Grace upon our lives. This was no Bank Teller God. This was no uninvolved Observer God. This was no Unreachable God… This was my Friend, the God of Mercy, my Loved One back, reminding me that He never left. I was the one that left... I am the one that had to apologize, the one that had to ask for forgiveness, and the one that has to make amends. This life of mine is but a gift. And He has asked me, in the simplest possible terms, what will I do with it?

I have learned that you can look inside and outside yourself trying to fix and understand everything wrong with us and the world, but both approaches are faulty because they take Him out of the equation.
 
He wants to guide us to Himself, to be fully in His love and mercy. Every day He uses every possible way to let me know He loves me and is present, walking with me by my side. He uses situations and people to acknowledge my actions, ideas, and desires, and yes, also to admonish me when I do not do right. He uses my past to help shape my present, so I may have a blessed future with Him. He uses my experience, the fullness of who I am, to help others along the path. I know that it is Him because there is no way this is just me. He uses all of me because He knows the real me. He has always known me, always been with me. Before I was here, He already knew me, just like my dear old Grandma used to say to me as a young child. I’m glad to be like that young child again. When I go to Mass, I feel like I am visiting, yet again, with the One who cares for me, with the One who loves me. When I sit by the Tabernacle in His chapel, I feel His presence and fall to my knees, tears flowing. I recognize You! Oh Lord, so many years have gone; how much have I missed You.
 
Let us pray: Open our eyes, Lord. Help us to see Your face. And that as we continue to grow and evolve throughout this life, we may be able to relate to You always. Amen.
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Rick Hernandez

Rick Hernandez is a commonsense Catholic, Lay Associate of the Blessed Sacrament, and a Director for Elisheba House. He lives in Trinity, Florida, with his wife Ivonne and their children. He also writes for the Congregation of the Blessed Sacrament's Daily Eucharistic Reflections and for Catholicmom.com.